Kindness and people pleasing might seem alike at first glance, but they are very different. Kindness comes from a true desire to help others, while people pleasing often stems from a need for approval or fear of rejection. Understanding these differences is important for recognizing the hidden behavioral habits that might be impacting your mental wellbeing. In this post, we will list the six key differences between authentic kindness and people pleasing, helping you spot the warning signs of approval-seeking behavior.
1. Authenticity
Kindness: Actions are heartfelt and based on personal values
People Pleasing: Actions are insincere and based on what others want or expect
2. Motivation
Kindness: Driven by a sincere desire to help and care for others
People Pleasing: Driven by a need for approval or fear of rejection
3. Self-Worth
Kindness: Self-worth is intrinsic and does not rely on external validation
People Pleasing: Self-worth is dependent on others’ opinions and validation
4. Handling Conflict
Kindness: Respects different opinions without compromising personal values
People Pleasing: Avoids conflict at all costs, even if it means compromising personal values
5. Emotional Impact
Kindness: Leads to feelings of fulfillment and happiness
People Pleasing: Leads to feelings of overwhelm and resentment
6. Personal Boundaries
Kindness: Shows self-compassion and protects one’s own emotional wellbeing
People Pleasing: Neglects self-care and lets others cross personal tolerance limits
Examples
People Pleasing: Erica’s manager asked her if she had time after work to discuss the plans for the upcoming team workshop. Erica agreed to stay late even though she was supposed to meet her friend at a cafe. She was afraid her boss would think less of her if she said no. She called her friend to ask if they could meet another day but she felt guilty for the last minute change of plans. In all honesty, she would have preferred to be at the cafe, yet it felt like she didn’t have a choice.
Genuine Kindness: Tom’s friend asked him for help with moving some furniture after work and Tom eagerly agreed to drive over to his friend’s place. Tom also set a clear time limit so he could still go home and prepare dinner for his family later. They were moving the furniture for 1.5h and, although they did not move all the furniture, Tom felt satisfied that he could help out his friend as much as he could.
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